Thursday, February 3, 2011

Chicago: What Now?

I'm back in Chicago! We just had a blizzard that made the news all over the place, and I'm settled into the first of my temporary lodgings before I move across the Big Water. My first week I slept a lot, and then after that I was really tense for a few days. All of the stress that I had pushed aside during the last couple of months in Idaho, and during the packing up, selling, and moving of my belongings across the country tapped me on the shoulder and demanded to be processed. Then all that inner tension broke with the weather and I'm feeling much better. So that was not fun but good to get out of the way.

Work is starting to fall into place, or at least it will as soon as the snow gets cleaned up and the city re-opens for business. "Major Department Store" is going to finally finish transferring me, and an employment agency I worked with when I lived here last year already has things coming my way, so that's all well and good.

Now that the time for the move across The Big Water is closer, questions come into my mind as always, an inner review where I check in with myself and make sure I'm all right with where I am on the good ol' life path. I think I am, at this moment. When I ask myself, "No but really, what am I going to do?" I think about careers that seem fulfilling to me. I find myself trying to figure out if it's good enough, viewing it through this lens of measuring up, living up to my potential, status, popularity, etc. And then I start to get a tight feeling in my chest, and my breathing comes in faster and shallower, and I feel a little panicked. But then I zoom out on that picture and change the lens. When I look at my greater purpose as bringing more love into the world, I feel better. Then I see that it's fine to be happy supporting myself and doing things that I enjoy, always learning more, and always trying to remember that big picture. I want to live filling up and surpassing my potential, and certainly doing something that makes me happier than working in a store, of course. But I don't have to think of it as a competition or worry that if I don't reach a certain step on some imaginary ladder that I'll be a failure. In the same breath I admit that I want to earn enough money to be free to travel and to help others and not have to worry all the time, so I don't underestimate the value of finding some material "success" and income.

I guess it's just a matter of maintaining a certain balance of focus and joy. Focus on staying conscious and making sure that I'm doing the things I want and need to do, and joy in the knowledge that there is a bigger purpose than measuring up. So, in conclusion, I'm pretty sure that I'm fine, just in transition.