Wednesday, February 24, 2010

"Have You Checked Our Shitters, Honey?"

When I rose to herald the dawn with my usual lark-like trills and delicate, tip-toeing dance to the window to part the curtains and drink in the first golden rays of sunlight, gossamer nightgown swirling about me (read: rolled onto the floor with a growl, picked myself up by my sweatpants, stumbled to the closet to stare at my clothes until a not-altogether-tragic combination of shirt and pants fell onto the floor, and opened the mini-blinds), I saw that it was snowing quite a lot, and the streets had not yet been plowed. The only difference this makes in my life is that I can't run to the train if I'm late because the sidewalks will be too slick, and tonight Laura will come home in a bad mood because she commutes to the suburbs each day and hates driving in snow. Despite my best efforts, I once again lost the battle with Linear Time (but not the war!) and missed the two trains that would have gotten me to work promptly. I nearly slipped and fell on my ass on the walk to said trains, but thanks to my herculean abdominal strength managed to right myself, Matrix style, at the last second. As I trudged the rest of the way up the street, I squinted through the falling flakes at the cute little snow-covered houses and thought of this...

...Which made me chortle. A little Tom Jones, Neil Diamond, and Bill Withers later (What? It helps me wake up!) I rushed into the office to open the reception area, ate the two hard-boiled eggs I brought from home (I'm a protein addict) and made a cup of green tea with the automatic drink machine where you insert a little plastic cup and in thirty seconds your drink comes out. (I think there's a sexual innuendo in there somewhere, but I'm still too groggy to pinpoint it.)

I'm writing this only to stay awake. If I sit and stare at the computer screen, waiting for friends to sign on at their own meaningless jobs and intermittently chat the day away, I will fall back asleep. I feel like I spent the night working instead of resting. I know I dreamed a lot but I only remember the last little bit. I was a social worker talking to two brothers, one was a young teenager and the other a baby. The older boy had these cool Spiderman snow globes, only instead of snow falling when you shook them, black spiders would fall. I shook them, saw the black spiders, and then started seeing the spiders falling all around the room, as though I had taken a hallucinogen and fallen down the wrong rabbit hole. He hadn't warned me that would happen, and by the time the spider visuals went away, I was putting the little baby brother down for a nap, lying beside him in a regular bed because there weren't any cribs and singing him a lullaby. Then I woke up to an old western song about a gunfight I had forgotten I had on my ipod. Weird, huh?

I think it's high time I write about the Þorrablót, but I left my camera with all my pictures on it at home, so I'll wait until tonight. Until then, watch and enjoy this hilarious video from The Onion website.

Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von Trier

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